New Skin
I must admit there was a nervousness I had about the idea of returning to Toronto, to Canada for that matter. The nervousness felt like light shackles around my neck and my ankles…only my arms felt free. I felt like I keep violently moving my body around to get rid of the heaviness that sets in, but the movements only make me more aware of it’s presence. So I stop and realize that my eyes are wet and thick from crying. I see all around me a suffocation of sorts…not because it is meant to be suffication, but because it all has dollar tags on it and it all looks the same and my identify finds to this to be suffocating... I realize I am not a clone and hence I have struggled to fit my oblong soul in a triangular culture. I laugh and realize that the only struggle I am experiencing is my own…self-imposed, self-created, self-played. My oblong soul is thirsty and patiently waiting until my consciousness catches up and stops fearing that I am not of this place. I feel like I am in a dream and all of this is symbolism…but then I realize I am writing this down and I have simply put words and images to a sensation that I have long held. It with each word I type, and each word you read, the suffocation is melting.
Asia has already left it’s marks on my life…it has changed me. In many subtle ways. In many ways, amongst it’s tightness and underlying tension, it also provide space that I have not experienced before. Perhapes it wasn’t space, but rather a connection, an understanding.
And so it has been solidified. This morning, at 6:52am, as I type and listen to the city wake up sipping a cool glass of water, the heat coming at me in waves from the balcony, the reality has been solidified: my past life is dead. I leave one place to return to another, aware that I am in new skin.
posted by Annatopia @ 5:38 PM
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